61st week: A miracle failed to last/The effect of pain
The latest scan showed that the two-month long chemo miracle has ended. Two new chemo cocktails have been suggested with a tentative starting date in about 10 days. It will also depend on if/when the grafting will be approved because the chemo will hinder the chance for the graft to take hold. It is a tricky balance. Needless to say, we are all very disappointed by the news, and I am both amazed and frightened by how smart these cancer cells are in mutating to find ways around the drugs time after time. I am now at the two-yard line again waiting for another miracle.
The effect of pain:
The way one responds to an internal or external stimulus, such as a feeling, a success, a failure, a conflict, an insult, a threat, etc., changes as one goes through the journey of life. At the beginning, as a baby and then as a child, one’s response is more instinctive and animal-like. A baby cries whenever it is not satisfied. A child may throw a temper tantrum whenever he/she does not get his/her way. As one becomes more mature and developed in the dimensions of soul and spirit, one’s responses may be guided more and more by one’s rationale, principles, and spirituality, and hence, one gains more freedom from one’s animalistic instincts to choose a possibly more positive and constructive response. For example, one may gradually learn to seek a win-win solution under most circumstances instead of insisting on ‘my way or the highway.’
Pain is a primitive sense that is critical for our survival. It is like a smoke alarm that demands immediate attention and may signify a real problem. It urges us to disengage from a potentially harmful situation. However, it sometimes becomes a real problem in its own right when it cannot be alleviated quickly e.g., when disengagement is impossible.
As an agonizing pain persists, it inflates our animal instinct to overwhelm our mind and spirit to deprive us of the freedom from our animalistic instinct. One’s facial muscles tweak to betray our best effort in hiding the pain. One cannot help tensing up one’s muscles to be ready for either fight or flight though neither would be possible nor helpful under some circumstances. The heat produced by these muscle activities makes it feel like 100 degrees and causes one to sweat profusely. While badly desiring immediate relief, one’s mind amplifies the fear in anticipating that the worse may still be yet to come. One wants to find a posture that minimizes the pain but every slight movement could potentially make it worse too. One develops a tunnel vision that is so narrowly focused on the pain that one can no longer think much about anything else. It is a form of ultimate self-centeredness. Eventually, one gets so exhausted that one can no longer keep one’s muscles tight anymore. One gives up in exhaustion and either cries out to or curses God. (It would be really nice if our body has built-in switches for turning off the pain sensation before it gets this far.)
May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.
