Understanding

A surgeon evaluated me this last Tuesday for a possible flap procedure that could fill and close the wound.  The good news is that he, like my wound care doctor, thinks that the hyperbaric therapy has done a good job in restoring the tissues around the wound, and the wound bed now has enough blood supply to support whatever tissue might be placed on there.  (He reached that conclusion by using a sharp instrument to scrape the whole wound bed to see if it bled readily and it did – a big ouch!) However, he thought the flap procedure would be too risky because it would enlarge the existing wound. The chance of healing could be low considering the history of radiation damage and my current poor nutrition status due to chemo side-effects.  He thought a skin graft would be a better option because it would not enlarge the existing wound and hence, would not make the problem worse if it failed (aside from the fact that both procedures would create a second wound at the donor site where the skin is harvested). Because of my nutrition status, he was unsure of the likelihood of success and had doubts about the healing of the donor site as well.  Blood tests were ordered to assess my nutrition status so that we can decide where to go from there.  I was also told to boost my nutrition intake in whatever way I can.

The surgeon was realistic and therefore not assuring. After thinking about what the surgeon and wound care doctors said for a couple of days, I think there is a less intrusive and therefore less risky thing I can try before betting on a skin graft.  I will discuss this with the doctors next week.

Is returning to teaching God’s will?

It was both touching and interesting to get the diverse reactions after I announced that I would try returning to the classroom.  Out of your love, some offered encouragement and support, some were worried about how I could handle the logistics of such a huge class, and still others questioned the wisdom of doing so and asked if I knew for sure this was God’s will. Regarding God’s will, I will have to say that I don’t know for sure because my finite mind is just too limited and God has not always been clear.  Before this terrible disease struck me, I thought I knew His will and plan for my life.  I am much more humble now.  All I know is that, in principle, HE wants us to live a life of service and witnessing, and hence, I have planned and prepared for the returning with the department for a while and just left the rest in His hands.  I did not mention anything before because I had been waiting patiently for His graces and provisions leading to the return that, not  too long ago, seemed unlikely considering the bleeding and pain I had experienced.

I think it is a very serious business for somebody to say he/she knows God’s will about some specific things.  Throughout human history, too many things have been said and done in the name of God without His real endorsement.  That is why a red flag usually comes up whenever I hear a statement similar to, “This is what I heard from God about something when I prayed this morning.” What I am certain is that God wants us to always try to do the most constructive thing under any circumstances, and this is the most constructive thing that I can think of for the moment. I promise you that I won’t overtax myself while trying my best, and I am sure that whether I live or die depends on God’s will rather than on whether or not I teach. My doctors have been very supportive so far. For example, soon after I told my wound care doctor that I was thinking about returning to teaching, he switched me to a new fancy dressing that has reduced the pain and drainage significantly. I don’t know if it is God’s will for me to beat this thing eventually, but I do know that every day is a victorious day so long as we serve and witness in spite of our problems or suffering.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

I am very thankful that, due to the help and support of many, I was able to serve and witness to the 160+ students in the first week of classes. While it wasn’t exactly a piece of cake, it wasn’t too bad either.  Frankly, I did not know what to expect because I had always kept the leg elevated as much as possible to minimize the edema and, more importantly, pain. Having it down for two hours straight had never been done before.  I just prayed a lot and left the rest in God’s hands.  (It wasn’t just blind faith and stupid bravery.  There was a backup instructor on stand by.)  I was able to go through the two 100-minute lectures without pain medication and much adrenaline.  The most noticeable aftereffects were hoarseness and somewhat worse edema.  To alleviate the former, I have requested a wireless microphone.  

I am grateful for the departmental enabling arrangement that allows me to do what I do best (teaching without being bogged down by the challenging logistics of such a huge class), for my co-instructor, for my secretary who, among other things, makes sure there is a high chair for me, for my wife, who drives me to and back from the school, for my doctors who keep me functioning, for one of my colleagues who has volunteered to be my back up ride as needed, for the many who have prayed for me, and above all, for the Lord who has made all the necessary provisions.  Please pray that the service and witnessing will continue.

Integrity (2)-human intimacy

On 1/6/2008, I talked about integrity and used the things we eat to illustrate the consequences of a lack of integrity.  To summarize, lacking integrity (e.g., separating sweetness from goodness and eating empty calories) creates an illusion of fullness and causes chronic problems (e.g., starving of important nutrients); the chronic problems eventually become acute problems (e.g., sickness) that require immediate attention.  The same cause-effect relationship applies to many other areas including human intimacy.  

There are three dimensions in human intimacy: body, soul, and spirit. The act of sex goes way beyond a simple act of the body.  When we make love, we become physically, emotionally and spiritually involved.  Separating the physical dimension from the other two dimensions (2D) is like trying to appreciate the majesty and awesomeness of the Grand Canon from its one-dimensional (1D) projection, i.e., a linear segment. It further reduces down to zero dimension when one focuses on and becomes obsessed with body parts and ignores the many facets of a person.

Like separating sweetness from goodness, some of us have tried to separate sexual pleasure from love.  While we like to believe that we have liberated ourselves from the complicated emotional and spiritual baggage, we have actually got ourselves trapped inside a 1D world that offers no possibility of real intimacy and true love that we all need and long for.  To quench that internal thirst for the real thing, some of us become addicted to sex and/or pornographies (that are so readily available in this internet era) to get an illusion of temporary fullness.  We convince ourselves that real intimacy and true love mostly exist only in fairy tales, and that we would be happier if we don’t desire for them on the outset (what a self-fulfilling prophecy). We can not practice real intimacy and true love even if we want to because we don’t have the knowledge about them (such as 1 Cr 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud… ), nor have we invested the time and effort required to develop the disciplines for them.  Not having the desire, knowledge or disciplines for love makes us incapable of loving or being lovable.

To summarize, lacking integrity (e.g., separating body from soul and spirit) creates an illusion of temporary fullness and chronic problems (e.g., starving of real intimacy), and the chronic problems eventually become acute problems (e.g., addiction and loneliness) that require immediate attention.

Is there a solution? For the moment, let me stop here by saying that the solution is similar to the food analogy, i.e., eat the natural whole food that has all the macro- and micro-nutrients (i.e., maintain integrity by having all the dimensions).

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

Aside from my blood coagulation factor which has been fluctuating due to the chemo (hence more frequent needle pricks), my condition has been pretty much the same. However, I think I may have caught a mild coughing bug from the hospital where one constantly runs into all kinds of bugs.

The wound care doctor thinks there will probably be enough viable tissue under the wound in the near future.  He wants me to see a surgeon for his opinion about a special procedure that takes some nearby tissue with its own blood supply to fill and close the wound sooner rather than later.  I want to get rid of this wound ASAP, but I will end up with a larger original wound and a second wound if the procedure fails.  Unlike getting a car fixed, nothing is guaranteed in almost any medical procedure.  Will keep you posted.

I have been using a new and even more expensive wound dressing material for a little more than a week, and the pain has diminished somewhat further.  I am therefore up and about more.

I just finished revising the lecture notes; everything is pretty much in place for the class starting on Monday.  May HE bless this class.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

There is more tissue growth and more obvious granulation at the wound site.  My blood counts and energy level are O.K. The improved circulation due to hyperbaric treatments has also reduced the lower leg edema markedly.  The pain level has also stayed between low and medium most of the time. The only thing that is still not under control is the slow weight loss due to diarrhea suffered by about half of those who take the same chemo drug. It is still hand-to-hand combat fought one bite and one day at a time.  For example, I had another bleeding incident (less serious than the previous ones though) on New Year’s Eve, and I was wiped out by consecutive watery diarrhea on the evening of New Year’s Day.  Thankfully, my body rebounded quickly.

Please pray for my return to the classroom next week.  It is a class of 160+ kids, and the  only other experienced instructor of the class just retired last December.  While the class is covered regardless, the quality of instruction and passing down of the courseware would suffer if I could not return.  Furthermore, I would very much like to be able to contribute. Obviously, teaching on top of my busy treatment schedule and a research project will demand additional time and energy, and hence, my sharing may become shorter and more sporadic although I will try to keep up with the updates.

Integrity (1):

Upon seeing the title, you may have thought that I wanted to share something about morals. However, the lack of integrity in our society goes much beyond that.  It is so widespread that, in some cases, it is a norm rather than an exception. For instance, I will begin with a biological example that is easier to describe and understand in order to make the point of how deep-rooted and widespread the problem is.

In an often-quoted Bible story, two prostitutes came before King Solomon to resolve a dispute about which of them was the true mother of a baby. (The other’s baby died in the night and each claimed the surviving child as hers.) When Solomon suggested dividing the baby in two with a sword, the true mother was revealed to him because she was willing to give up her child to the lying woman rather than see the child killed.

Almost everybody understands the simple biological law that our physical body must have high integrity in order to stay alive.  Missing vital organs such as the brain,  heart, or liver means certain death. It is a universal law that no one can escape regardless of one’s wealth, social status, education, etc.  In fact, our body has many built-in mechanisms to preserve our physical integrity against trauma or infections.

However, not all biological laws are hard and fast. When it comes to the food we eat, nature provides abundant varieties to suit our diverse appetites. Our body is amazingly resilient against malnutrition. Not eating properly leads to many delayed consequences that usually won’t show unless the situation is allowed to continue for a long time.  This survival mechanism, ironically, also allows great abuse.  For example, sweetness in ripened fruits is naturally associated with healthy and beneficial nutrients.  However, we see nothing wrong in destroying the integrity of food by separating sweetness from goodness. We create all kinds of junk and semi-junk foods from ingredients such as refined sugar and flour which have most of their major and micro nutrients stripped and consume them in place of natural and whole food.  We routinely add numerous additives and chemicals to make something lousy taste and look good. Eating such food creates an illusion of fullness and satisfaction while our body is actually starved of needed nutrients.  Our children and we are so conditioned by the delicious processed food that we no longer want to eat grains, fruits and vegetables in their natural form, and this is certainly a significant contributing factor to our rampant chronic health problems. This is an example in which almost everyone plays a role as both perpetrator and victim in the huge system of self-deceit and self-defeat.

In a similar way, we separate sex pleasure from deep and meaningful relationship, character from leadership, etc.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.