Understanding

The hyperbaric treatment continues.  There is both gain and loss in the wound front.  The wound is now mostly showing good colors, red and pink, and some nurses said they see the growth of new tissue.  However, there is a local infection in part of the wound and a small piece of skin may be lost.  The wound has been more painful than before.

A new side effect of the chemo has appeared. Some skin is peeling off from my right hand, and the skin is thinning.  It is not painful, and I just have to avoid putting stress on the thinning skin.  Hopefully, it won’t get much worse. Diarrhea has been less frequent.  My fingers are crossed, hoping it will stay that way so I might gain some weight back.  

Stepping into the pain!

Some have said to me, “You are courageous.”  Well, they are greatly mistaken.  I am a coward, and I am afraid.  If I could find a hole in which to hide in order to avoid the fight, I would dive in and stay there.  However, I see no other choice. I can either just give up and roll over or try to fight it with whatever grace and strength are bestowed on me by God. (Whining about it certainly wouldn’t change a thing.) I have to get to the shore of the Red Sea to see if the water will be split or not.

Battling cancer is unnatural, because in order to have a chance to win, one has to step into the pain instead of backing away from it, and that takes courage. The state-of-the-art cancer treatment demands that one inflicts collateral damage on oneself in order to inflict damage on this enemy from within. One must be willing to be cut up (I have had one major and three minor surgeries, not counting debridements so far this year), take poisonous drugs that have horrible side-effects, and receive large doses of radiation that leave long-term damage on one’s body.

Furthermore, it is longsuffering, and therefore takes not only courage but also perseverance. It is one thing to charge an enemy in a battlefield when the adrenaline is in overdrive.  It is another to battle a disease that gives one constant pain and wastes one’s body away gradually along with one’s will power. There is an old Chinese saying, “Even the bravest fears the torture of a wasting illness.” In this holiday season, we get days off from work, but no patient gets a single day off from his/her illness and pain. I can’t do this by myself because whatever little strength I had in me ran out a long time ago.  Day by day, I have to draw courage and strength from my faith.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he (Lord) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.