Understanding

Dear All,

Due to “radiation recall”, a side-effect of the two chemo drugs, two small holes have opened up along the incision line and clear body fluid is coming out of them. They were somewhat infected initially.  Fortunately, antibiotic cream and my own immune system have been able to fight off the infection so far. The wound care involves cleaning, changing the dressing and applying the cream a few times a day.  The hope is that they won’t become infected and thus interfere with the next chemo cycle which starts Monday. In addition to the open wound, itching and mild pain around the incision have also returned.  It is a blessing that half of the area no longer has any sensation due to the removal of the nerve.

The wound re-opening is an unusual manifestation of the radiation recall.  It surprised both the doctors and myself.  I have been unhappy about it because the objective of the surgery was to take care of the local problem first, so that the doctors can concentrate on the systematic problem later without being held back by the local problem.  However, I am thankful that it is under control so far.

My platelet count was very low on Tue, about 20,000 (the normal is at least 150,000 and the low limit to receive treatment is 100,000).  I was warned to be careful not to hit my head hard or else the brain would bleed internally.  It is unpleasant to see traces of blood on the tissue after blowing my nose and the black and blue caused by leaking from my vein after a blood test.  Thankfully, the count came back up to 70,000 on Friday. With such a rebound rate, there is a good chance that the count will be high enough next Monday for the next chemo.  Due to the white booster shot, the white cell count has not gone as low, which is important considering the open wound.

My appetite has been reasonably good and I have not lost much weight. My energy level has been Ok.  My mobility is limited because I was told not to bend my knee in order to prevent aggravating the wound opening.

While you remember us in your thoughts and prayers, please also remember the mother of a student I ran into Friday.  He told me that, after hearing my story, his mother is resuming her treatment for her brain tumor after quitting due to severe chemo side-effects.  In addition to her positive response to the treatment and minimal side-effects, please pray for their financial needs.  The insurance company has refused to pay for the “experimental” therapies which have run up a bill of tens of thousands dollars so far.  Both he and his sister have to work two jobs in order to help pay for his mom’s treatments.

Love your neighbor starting with respect–II

Every person deserves our respect because in respecting others, our love manifests itself.  Wherever respect is lacking, love is absent.  Seeing another person as he/she really is is the starting point and reverently receiving him/her is the heart of respect. 

Last week, I shared that we should not make an image and label of others, so that we can relate to our neighbors properly as who they really are.  However, all of us see the world through a lens.  We see the world, not as it is, but as who we are, i.e., through a coloration derived from our basic character.  Our imperfect lens of character distorts the reality to prevent us from seeing the reality. While it is a work of lifetime to shape our character according to godly principles, we can in the meantime try to learn what comtemplatives have always known and what good therapists have always practiced: to accept others with an open mind, rejecting and judging little.  It also means relinquishing all anxiety of self-affirmation, curiosity, and judging. Nevertheless, we cannot go very far to change our vision without simultaneously changing our basic character, and vice versa.  There is no short cut in developing a 20/20 vision; it has to come from inside out. Only a loving heart will enable us to see the butterfly in a caterpillar, the eagle in an egg, and the saint in a selfish person.

Regarding the loving reception of others wholly as they are, in its all truth, we have this obsessive tendency to judge. We evaluate others according to our own egocentric set of norms and therefore cannot interact with others in their own dignity and truth. We are quick to make assessments of others and second-guess their motives, though, at times, we are even unaware of doing it. Instead of revealing to a person his/her own hidden beauty, we seek our own affirmation and sense of self-worth in our interactions with others. We focus on our needs, justify our own position and look for evidences to show the flaws of others. We keep a record of “perceived” wrongs of others as a dark treasure and then reduce others into their failings as we perceive them, i.e., we create a negative image of our neighbors and confine them to it. We think we know what is good for others, and we impose that on them without asking and listening–we love our own ideas, thoughts, or solutions more than our neighbors.

The problem is our ego and self-centeredness. Our own ego just plays too much of a role.  In order to receive others, we have to empty ourselves first.  Jesus said in Matthew 16:24  “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” 

We can only deny ourselves if we have a strong sense of security, self-acceptance and self-worth.  If they are weak, we will have a limited ability to humble ourselves and to be free from egoism. The need of self-affirmation is just too great to ignore and taking a lower place creates a strong internal tension. Sense of security, self-acceptance and self-worth are subjects worthy of at least a sharing in their own right.  For the moment, it suffices to say that a deep sense of high intrinsic self-worth has to be centered on principles and grounded in the love of God and others.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.