Understanding

Dear All,

Due to the continuous growth of the tumors, a stronger and more sophisticated chemo cocktail has been prescribed.  When I went in to have the 1st installment last Monday, I was surprised to find the dosage of the drug was more than doubled, not the 20% increase I thought.  Although I tolerated the drug well before, I was bracing for at least twice the severity in terms of its side-effects.  Thankfully, the overall severity of the side-effects, at least the obvious ones, has been about the same as before.  It was a little worse during the first couple of days but actually felt milder after that.  The not-so-obvious side-effects such as blood counts will not be known until Monday.  If my blood counts are good enough Monday to receive the next installment, it will contain the same drug I got last Monday and a second one which is far more toxic and nasty.  Just to counter its possible life threatening side effects, I was put on three strong prescription drugs and shots. There is no way to predict how I will respond to and tolerate this particular chemo cocktail because this is the first time.  I will receive a white cell booster shot the day after.  Please pray that my blood counts will be high enough to keep the chemo on schedule and the chemo will work with minimal side effects.

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Sharing: The drill drills on!

Unlike a heart attack, which usually acts quickly, or high blood pressure which is usually silent, cancer is like a dental drill that continues to impose much long-lasting pain and raw fear, the kind of fear that drives a wolf to bite off its own leg to escape from a trap (Too bad that is not even an option in my case.)

The drilling is done without anesthesia; neither local nor general, absolutely none at all. It hurts beyond my worst fears and imagination. It drills on regardless of my attitude, whether I sink my nails into my palms or try to relax with my hands at my sides. 

After the initial diagnosis, I sought peace from God and I got it. I thought I had the peace necessary for the rest of the journey. But with one scan after another showing nothing but continuous growth, and with the continuous physical pain accompanying the treatments, that peace turned out to be just a “house of cards”.  It was knocked down time after time to expose my naked self, upon which I was forced to find a more genuine version of peace every time.  These repeated knock-downs and build-ups are like the forging of a sword, shaping and strengthening it little by little, blow after blow.

The knocking down is inescapable and its impacts are deep and wide.  They shatter my ideas of God and of love, understanding of the Truth and of His plan/purpose for my life, concepts of faith, sense of security, on and on.

I don’t know if God is the dentist, i.e., in control.  If He is, I probably have to believe that only torture will reveal the house of cards, and the drilling can’t stop until it is complete in order not to waste all the pain and fear up to this point. (For those who say “I am not afraid of God because He is good”, I wonder if they would volunteer another tooth after this one is done?)

Regardless, as a believer, the vision and light of my faith behoove me to continue the rebuilding and quest for Truth as long as I can.  Otherwise, I would be filled with resentment and self-pity.  By asking what new factors and light the suffering has brought into my understanding, belief and faith, enlightenment and betterment become possible. I am thankful that my suffering, unlike some other kinds, is at least an ennobling one that presents an opportunity to break my incapacity to receive the Truth and God, the incapacity even God’s omnipotence seems to be unable to bridge at times.  (How I wish that God could just do an upgrade with a mouse click and download!  It is just too much pain to ask a human to be god.)

PS: Some people have asked me to talk about my fears.  While I need more time to put down my thoughts about my fears, this sharing has something to do with it, and more. To be honest, I have been afraid, and I think a pit bull has more courage than me because it will fight to its death without a moment of hesitation and self-pity. 

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.