Understanding

Dear All,                             

On the outset, I am doing better than Ok.  I got the two drugs back-to-back along with cortisone on Monday. In addition to expecting hair losses starting in two weeks, I am feeling, first hand, some of the side-effects as the week goes by.  The one that is given weekly works fast to produce milder side-effects within hours and the other one that is given once every three weeks produces more long lasting, serious, and un-pleasant side-effects such as damaging nerves in the hands and feet, and fatigue. Together, they make me not feeling like myself at times. A potential threat is that all the drugs in my body have created a compound effect of making my two-month old incision to begin draining clear fluid Tuesday.  That means my skin is no longer water-tight and that, with my low white cell count, translates to a greater risk of infection.  I can only wait and see because doing anything surgical now means putting off chemo for a few more weeks, the time I don’t have. If it does get infected, it is going to get real complicated.  I have been advised to cut back on the activities and suspend the physical therapy so that the wound may close by itself, the best scenario. 

The two-drug combo is known for its great negative impact on the white cell counts.  In order for the count to recover in time for the next cycle and minimize the risk of infection, I was given a white cell booster shot on Tuesday afternoon, which costs about $1,500. 

In spite of the side-effects, I am able to keep the fluid and food down and therefore am hydrated and not loosing a lot of weight.  Eating is sometimes a struggle even with anti-nausea medication.  However, this time around, we are more experienced and therefore have more recipes to choose from.  While constantly lacking appetite, it usually works out all-right once I force myself to begin eating.  Most of the time, the forced feeding does wake up that hidden desire to eat.  I guess it could have been worse. 

They say that body and spirit are connected and one affects the other.  That statement is not really complete.  The effect is highly asymmetrical for suffering of the body greatly impacts ones spirit negatively. On the other hand, a high spirit does not heal a damaged body much nor fast.  When ones mind is suffering, one can escape, at least for a few moments, by taking evasive maneuvers such as projecting oneself in a more pleasant or positive situation.  Suffering of the body on the other hand is a constant and it does not go away.  The drilling continues.  What is the choice?  Being bitter or better?

Love your neighbor starting with respect

Jesus’ 2nd commandment: love your neighbor as yourself.  For Teresa of Avila, a major figure of the Catholic Reformation in the 16th century, relationship within a community is often a clearer indication of ones relationship with God than the heights of a mystical prayer or a spiritual experience.

Our first and most important act of love is to cherish the others in their uniqueness without renouncing or absolutizing ourselves. With our limited capacity to love, our love looses it vigor and reaches its limit fast. We give up and begin to carve an idea, image, or icon of the others. We stop relating to others and cherishing their uniqueness as who they really are.  We bypass the reality of the real living person. We deal only with the image, no longer with the person’s true self.  We stop sensing the mystery of the others.  We lack the desire and stamina to relate to the living others day after day, year after year.  In doing so, we are signaling others that we are no longer willing and capable of dealing with their further growth in God’s grace.  We are then disappointed and bitter about the relationship is no longer viable.

Image creating and labeling are an easy way out because an image will do whatever you want.  C. S. Lewis called it a puppet in our hand.  We can project our own concerns, weakness, dark thoughts onto the image without the check of the reality, the real living person. Jesus strongly denounces such a projection: Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Mat. 7:3)

Therefore, we need to stop making an image and label of others, and stop comparing, competing, complaining, criticizing, envying, and projecting. (e.g., “I wish he can preach better!” “He only does this for the pay and the position.” “He is political because his degree was from a politically involved school.”)  Instead, find, cherish and respect the mystery of others, the mystery that God, through His abundant graces and nourishments, has instilled in each and every of us. If the searching, cherishing, and respect of that mystery are gone, the love has died.

Moreover, when we finally learn to see the butterfly in a caterpillar, an eagle in an egg, and a saint in a selfish person, let’s learn to call the hidden beauty forward in a loving way, to reveal to a person his or her own hidden beauty and create a climate in which people can unfold their beauty in Christ. It is about drawing that beauty out of others, not about who is the greatest as the disciples were arguing about in the last supper. 

Hence, it is of paramount importance for us to remind each other not to hurl forward destructive and hurtful words/actions based on incompetent and subjective quick opinions.  Tolerating such words and actions is giving a free hand to the devil inside each and every of us.

The 2nd of the 10 commandments: You shall not make for yourself an idol.  It is about how we should not relate to God.  In parallel to that, we shall not make an image and label of others so that we can relate to our neighbors properly.

(I am fully aware of that sometimes we have to evaluate a person in a competent and objective way. However, this sharing is about the opposite of that.)

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

Dear All,

Due to the continuous growth of the tumors, a stronger and more sophisticated chemo cocktail has been prescribed.  When I went in to have the 1st installment last Monday, I was surprised to find the dosage of the drug was more than doubled, not the 20% increase I thought.  Although I tolerated the drug well before, I was bracing for at least twice the severity in terms of its side-effects.  Thankfully, the overall severity of the side-effects, at least the obvious ones, has been about the same as before.  It was a little worse during the first couple of days but actually felt milder after that.  The not-so-obvious side-effects such as blood counts will not be known until Monday.  If my blood counts are good enough Monday to receive the next installment, it will contain the same drug I got last Monday and a second one which is far more toxic and nasty.  Just to counter its possible life threatening side effects, I was put on three strong prescription drugs and shots. There is no way to predict how I will respond to and tolerate this particular chemo cocktail because this is the first time.  I will receive a white cell booster shot the day after.  Please pray that my blood counts will be high enough to keep the chemo on schedule and the chemo will work with minimal side effects.

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Sharing: The drill drills on!

Unlike a heart attack, which usually acts quickly, or high blood pressure which is usually silent, cancer is like a dental drill that continues to impose much long-lasting pain and raw fear, the kind of fear that drives a wolf to bite off its own leg to escape from a trap (Too bad that is not even an option in my case.)

The drilling is done without anesthesia; neither local nor general, absolutely none at all. It hurts beyond my worst fears and imagination. It drills on regardless of my attitude, whether I sink my nails into my palms or try to relax with my hands at my sides. 

After the initial diagnosis, I sought peace from God and I got it. I thought I had the peace necessary for the rest of the journey. But with one scan after another showing nothing but continuous growth, and with the continuous physical pain accompanying the treatments, that peace turned out to be just a “house of cards”.  It was knocked down time after time to expose my naked self, upon which I was forced to find a more genuine version of peace every time.  These repeated knock-downs and build-ups are like the forging of a sword, shaping and strengthening it little by little, blow after blow.

The knocking down is inescapable and its impacts are deep and wide.  They shatter my ideas of God and of love, understanding of the Truth and of His plan/purpose for my life, concepts of faith, sense of security, on and on.

I don’t know if God is the dentist, i.e., in control.  If He is, I probably have to believe that only torture will reveal the house of cards, and the drilling can’t stop until it is complete in order not to waste all the pain and fear up to this point. (For those who say “I am not afraid of God because He is good”, I wonder if they would volunteer another tooth after this one is done?)

Regardless, as a believer, the vision and light of my faith behoove me to continue the rebuilding and quest for Truth as long as I can.  Otherwise, I would be filled with resentment and self-pity.  By asking what new factors and light the suffering has brought into my understanding, belief and faith, enlightenment and betterment become possible. I am thankful that my suffering, unlike some other kinds, is at least an ennobling one that presents an opportunity to break my incapacity to receive the Truth and God, the incapacity even God’s omnipotence seems to be unable to bridge at times.  (How I wish that God could just do an upgrade with a mouse click and download!  It is just too much pain to ask a human to be god.)

PS: Some people have asked me to talk about my fears.  While I need more time to put down my thoughts about my fears, this sharing has something to do with it, and more. To be honest, I have been afraid, and I think a pit bull has more courage than me because it will fight to its death without a moment of hesitation and self-pity. 

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

Dear All,                                                   

The chemo starts tomorrow.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and I will keep you updated.

Sharing: Live, love, learn and leave a legacy

Stone Kyambade began playing soccer at high school and was picked up by his first professional team at 18, played professionally for 10 years, and then was chosen to play for the national team of Uganda.  That gave him the opportunities to be seen by scouts of European clubs.  Serious money was looking at Stone and this was a dream he had been working on for a long time.  Unfortunately, another player purposely “blew out” his knee during a game to end his career and dream.

Uganda has this culture over-lay toward revenge.  Revenge is commonplace in Uganda where years of civil war (since early 1980s) was centered around revenge.  Stone overcame it by forgiving the offender.  Moreover, instead of living in self-pity, he reaches out to young men who are rejected by their families and the society because they are problem kids.  Working with organizations like Cornerstone Development, he uses soccer as a magnet and gives them love so that they will stay. He challenges them to be like him.  He gives them directions, teaches them skills and a responsible frame of mind so that they become first good soccer players, then economically self-reliant, and then responsible adults, fathers and contributing citizens. He communicates the worth and potential of these young men so clearly that they are inspired to see it in themselves.  That is the genuine leadership.

He is a Christian who lives in a Muslim neighborhood, with a Muslim landlord. His daily actions engender peace and harmony in his neighborhood.

Stone is neither famous nor rich.  By teaching as many as six teams a day, about 250 young men go through the program.  He teaches them love and forgiveness with what he does more than what he says.  These young men then love their families, which then affect the villages they are in.  As they become fathers, they will teach their children with what they have learned.

When we come face to face with mortality, are haunted by the fear of death, and are unsure about the meaning to this brutish and short life, let us encourage and remind each other:

Life is short.  So live, love, learn and leave a legacy.

Live: What is the purpose of my life? What makes life worth living?  What is missing?

Love: How do I know love? How can I be empowered to love?  How do I show love?

Learn: What do I need to learn?  Where are the answers? What do I need to un-learn?

Leave a legacy: How will I be remembered?  What do I dream of ?  What is the fire within?

(Based on “The 8th habit by Stephen Covey.)

Dear All,                                                  

The CT scan showed the tumors in my lungs have grown more than a little in the last two months while I was off chemo for the surgery.   The chemo is scheduled to begin on the 14th if the results of next Tuesday’s test are good. The chemo cocktail will contain two drugs.  The first one will be the same one I was on prior to the surgery but at a 20% higher dosage and the second one is a new one that is much more toxic than the first one. There are many possible serious side-effects.

On the physical therapy front, the knee has improved much in both strength and range.  For example, the range has increased from 85 to 105 degrees.  The range in the hip joint has not improved much in spite of the therapy. I can go up and down stairs in the normal way now (without much grace though).

My younger son has decided to stay close for the college instead of going off to an Ivy. I feel blessed to have a son who loves us so much and we certainly can use his company and support.  However, the thought of my illness might have held him back is there.  Of course, the ability to love is more important than the brand name of the college.

Commandants as bill of freedom

Jesus said in Mat. 5 17″Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.”

Divine commandants and laws are frequently given in the form of prohibition and injunction.  They impose limits and boundaries and therefore appear to infringe the freedom that we try so hard to attain.  However, this is really a misunderstanding.  The commandants are given so that we can be free, free from sins and free to love and enjoy His grace.

For example, the ten commandants can be considered as a declaration of our freedom from the slavery of sins and that is why they begin with the following sentence.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of SLAVERY.” God freed His children and wanted them to have the true freedom.  Let’s look the ten commandants from the perspective of freedom.

1. You shall have no other gods before me:  Let God be God so that we will be free from misplaced faith, upside down priority and an incorrect worldview.
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol:  Do not confine God to an image so that we will be free to experience genuine spiritual encounters with Himself.
3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God: Do not call God to be a witness to a lie, so that we are free from false swearing.  Do not make a profession of God’s name without living up to that profession so that we are free from hypocrisy. Do not proclaim God’s endorsement for our selfish deeds so that we are free from profanation.
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy:  Celebrate the gifts and graces of God so that we can be free from the worldly value system and peer pressure, and free to rest.
5. Honor your parents so that your days may be long: Honor our parents so that we are free to love them and treasure our heritage.  Respect and submit to authorities and their lawful commands so that we are free to receive God’s temporal blessings.
6. You shall not murder: Do not hate others so that we will be free to love those who are created in the image of God, are the subjects of God’s unconditional love; so that we will be free to accept their lives as gifts, enrichment and blessings to our lives.
7. You shall not commit adultery: We will be free to bring others abundant blessings if we can love people without taking advantage of them.
8. You shall not steal: Do not envy or be not jealous about the possessions of others so that we can be free to be thankful and grateful.
9. You shall not bear false witness: We shall not tell lies so that we can be set free in Truth (Jn 8:32) and free to trust.  If we live in falsehood, we frequently project our own weakness, concerns and dark thoughts on others.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, You shall not covet your neighbor’s house: Do not covet so that we are free to be content.