Understanding

Dear All,                                     

I had the first two sessions of physical therapy and that helped me to fully appreciate how much deficiency I have from the surgery.  The therapist assessed the range and strength of my left thigh and leg using some exercises and tools, and set realistic goals.  While I knew that I lost all the adductor muscles (those pull the knee inward), the surprises were how traumatized my quad muscles are (the ones that move the lower leg forward and allow us to squad).  Their weakness prevents me from going up and down stairs the normal way and their limited range prevents me from doing simple tasks such as putting on a sock.  I was put on an exercise bike and could not even paddle all the way around in the forward direction initially. I must do daily exercises to maintain and improve the strength and range. I can’t accelerate it much though because overusing the muscles sets off a storm of painful muscle spasms that can last as long as two or three minutes. It is the classical case of no pain no gain, particularly for increasing the range. Whenever it gets too painful, I would remind myself about the images of those wounded soldiers doing physical therapies in VA hospitals and carry on.  After all, most of them are more damaged than I am. I also got on the treadmill for the first time after the surgery and was able to go 400 meters at a speed of 2 miles per hour. (A very modest achievement for somebody who used to run 5k daily.)

A lung CT scan will be performed on the coming Tu.  Hopefully, the growth of tumors won’t be too significant. The truth could be difficult to swallow at times.

I resumed teaching Monday three and half weeks after the surgery.  It was probably too soon because my leg felt pretty tired afterward and I had to use elastic bandage to control the swelling.  But it is a wonderful class to teach.  The students made a giant get well card and Fedexed it to the hospital.  Even my surgeon was moved by the numerous encouraging messages on it.  They also raised $300 for micro-loan after I mentioned the story of Dr. Yunus.  I am lucky to have them.

A challenge: Even if God does not save us… (Dan 3:18)

In my last sharing, I wrestled with the mystery of God who loves unconditionally does not intervene. I am aware of human limits in the face of divine mysteries.  However, we can’t take the easy and complacent position that this divine mystery is conveniently off-limits because it is within the context of this mystery we have to live our lives and search our choices and options in the face of sufferings. While recognizing that there may be limits to what can be achieved, I firmly believe that this intellectual grappling is not only necessary but also worthwhile.

By pointing out the possibility that God is not exercising much control in this fallen world (1 John 5:19 … and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one.), I can bring forth a challenge now.

Our belief system frequently contains an element of “Be good to God, God will be good to me.” Its influence may be small or great, but usually there. The thought of a just God who punishes the wicked gives us much needed sense of security in this world of uncertain suffering and toil. We pay our dues by being good: praying piously, practicing religious rituals, doing good deeds, etc. There is often that component of self-interest and self-righteousness in our belief in divine order.  We develop causality models and moral systems based on our interpretation of the divine order to guide our behavior, explain reality, and benchmark if God is pleased with us, like Job’s three friends.

In such a belief system, the fear of inadequacy and punishment is always there, sometimes small, sometimes great, and that contradicts with what we profess, i.e., God is love and God loves us first.  (We should not fear someone who loves us unconditionally because there should be no fear in love.) We also might think that being good is the condition for love instead of the consequence of it.

The idea that God perhaps is not exercising much active control in this fallen world presents us with a great challenge, i.e., with a world that is not under divine order and therefore no longer open to our causal reasoning and moral calculation, we feel insecure and are confused. We can no longer pay God off according to our understanding of the divine order, and be confident that God will take care of us.  What is left is mostly God’s unconditional love. We do not fear God because there is no fear in love. However we have to largely disclaim our self-interest and self-righteousness in our belief. Our prayers change us, not God. We do not expect God to always respond to our intercessions, to always protect us and to always exercise beneficial influences in our lives. We do good deeds not to avoid God’s punishment or earn His love, but to respond to His unconditional love as we are empowered by that unconditional love, even if our good deeds invite persecutions.  We fight injustice and inhumanity because we become acutely aware of God’s unconditional love for others and are empowered by that conditional love to love one another.  This is the challenge, a very difficult one.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health

Previous updates can be found in http://highspirit.blog.com/