9th week: Suffering = punishment???
I am very thankful for being able to witness for HIM this morning and thank you for all your prayers and blessings.
I learnt the result of Feb. 28th CT scan on Monday and the news was not as good as what I have hoped. The tumors in my lungs have grown somewhat since last CT about two months ago. The growth is neither dramatic nor negligible. Fortunately, it is not so bad that the anesthetist may call off the surgery. Additionally, no new tumor was found.
While I understand the priority was given to the local problem at the first stage of the battle, i.e., the chemo was scaled back so that the radiation could be carried out without interruption, I have always hoped that the chemo and life style change could have kept the tumors under control with no or minimal growth. On the other hand, it is something to be thankful that the primary tumor was indeed shrunk by the combination of the chemo and radiation. I will get an MRI this coming Tuesday to see if it has shrunk away from the artery to facilitate its complete removal.
The top skin tuned red and then black and, subsequently, began to peel off all around the radiation site. It is very itchy and somewhat painful. Fighting the urge to scratch takes a lot of self-control and energy. Thankfully, antihistamine does give adequate relief during the nighttime and the skin is basically “intact and infection free” according to the radiation doctor. For somebody who grew up with a single soap for everything including laundry, skin care is something new but there is a first time for everything. Keeping it moisturized and clean all the time does take some work.
Will meet the surgeon and have the pre-op testing in NYC next Tu.
Sharing:
When disaster strikes, most do have a tendency to think it might be a punishment handed out by God for something I did wrong. It is a very defendable explanation because nobody is perfect and everyone without exception has a pretty long list of sins except we just sin differently. After all, God is just and handing out rewards and punishments is His job as the ultimate judge. This might be the reason why Job’s friends were quick to suggest that his suffering must be due to his sin. When I read the book of Job first time a long time ago, I just thought his friends were very cruel. It was almost like sprinkling salt on open wounds. However, there is perhaps a much deeper reason for us to think so. We are so afraid of suffering that we need to pretend that there is a simple logic behind who gets it so that we can feel secure about it. For some, the thinking is that if I take care of God, God will take care of me (or at least leave me alone) because I have paid my dues. It may take various forms such as if I worship HIM in certain way or at some frequency, if I recite certain spiritual slogans, pray in certain ways, or offer money, behave in certain ways, etc. However, there is a big fundamental problem for this kind of understanding. Do we do good as a consequence of God’s unconditional love or we do good so that we can be loved by God (what happens to the unconditional part)? This mis-understanding also prevents us from really sympathizing with those who are suffering because somehow it makes us believe that we are doing something right and therefore are spared.
(I have to keep it short because I have to prepare for the class tomorrow and the trip to NYC.)
