Understanding

Dear All,      

It has been 12 days and 10 days respectively since I received the last chemo and radiation.  My blood counts this past Tuesday were mostly normal except the white cell blood count.  It was somewhat low and it is probably in the normal range now.  The radiation site keeps on getting more ugly.  It looks and feels very traumatized, red, black, blue and itchy (not painful though). If it knows the knife is coming its way, it will probably look even worse.  Hopefully, the turning point will come soon for it to begin to heal to facilitate the surgery.  My digest track is slowly and gradually getting back to normal although slower than I have hoped.  I am still like a pregnant mom who finds certain smell and food objectionable although with less frequency and magnitude. I have not been able to make up any weight I lost during chemo yet.  Chemo drugs are nasty staff that takes a long time to recover from its side-effects.

My oncologist made the recommendation of having surgery done at the Sloan-Kettering eleven days ago.  The surgeon there submitted a surgical plan past Monday.  The insurance company called to inform the approval Thursday. While there were quite a few details that I will not bore you with, I have to say the insurance company has been pretty reasonable, and supportive.  It could have been much more stressful.

I am still waiting for the details such as the date, pre-op testing, etc. from the surgeon. Hopefully, the wait won’t be too long so that we can begin arranging the logistics.  I will have a CAT scan next Wed.  Hopefully, it will show no growth of those tumors in the lungs.  Otherwise, I am loosing ground to the cancer and it may make the general anesthesia necessary for the surgery more risky.  I will have another MRI shortly after the CAT scan to look at the primary tumor.  The ideal thing is that it has shrunk away from the femoral artery.  Otherwise, the chance of a successful surgery will be diminished greatly. 

Sharing: The problem is out there?

Story of Hudson Taylor who was an English missionary to China Founded the China Inland Mission: One day, dressed in traditional Chinese peasant clothing, Hudson Taylor was waiting in the line for his boat at a dock.  When his boat pulled up, a Chinese rich man came up from behind and knocked him down to the ground with a stick to cut into the line.  Hudson Taylor resisted his impulse to strike back, got up and got on board.  When the rich man looked at him again and realized that he was a foreigner, he asked Hudson Taylor “Why didn’t you strike back as any foreigner would have?” (At that time, striking a foreigner was a serious crime.) Hudson Taylor told him this was my boat and I will take you anywhere you want to go.  Along the way, he told him about the gospel and witnessed to the rich man.  The rich man accepted Jesus as his personal savior before he got off the boat.

Previously, I shared that prayers mostly change me, not God.  Of course, God is supposed to be immutable.  I can’t imagine a God who changes His plan every time a selfish and weak being like me makes a request in my prayer.

One of the things I learned through prayers was that while there are problems with others (nobody is perfect), frequently there is much room for improvement in me (nor me).  For example, my egocentric nature frequently gets in the way of allowing me to see the full goodness in others and that prevents me from really loving them as much as I should.  At times, I have to resist the inclination of thinking I already know someone well so that I don’t have to invest more time and energy in the relationship. Sometimes, I can’t fully appreciate the individuality of others because I somewhat absolutize myself. Occasionally, I have to reject the temptation of projecting my own dark thoughts and concerns onto somebody who just did something that have inconvenienced me. 

I have seen the negative effects of this human weakness in both workplaces and churches. Failing to see ones own inability to appreciate others, we project our own dark thoughts, concerns and even weakness on to others.  We begin to stereotype others in our minds eye and loose sight of the potential, i.e., the saint that may come out of a sinner, the butterfly that may come from a caterpillar. We begin to second guess the motivation and thoughts behind the actions of others and deny them a chance to be understood.  We then convince ourselves that we are the victims, complain and criticize constantly, and eventually loss the initiative to do productive things.  For the rest of our life, we grumble about the circumstance, tear others apart inside our negative mind, sit around and wait for something good to happen to us.  It is somewhat a self-fulfilling prophecy, something good probably won’t happen because we have allowed ourselves to sit on the side line, become marginalized, detached, and eventually loose influence and voice.

The story of Hudson Taylor shows us that our positive response to negative circumstances frequently can change the circumstances for better and even bring the good out of others and us.

The problems may be out there but the fixes begin here.  Do not loose heart because:

Pro 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

My last week sharing (Does God exist?) prompted a few individual responses.  I am sorry I have not been able to respond individually. I am really happy that some have written to enable me to know you better. It is great for us to give some thoughts to this important issue and I trust there will be more dialogues on this issue in the future.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health

Dear All,

As I said in the PS of the last update, the white cell count rebounded to more than 4 thousand on Monday and that enabled both radiation and chemo to resume.  I got my chemo Tuesday and had radiation from Monday to Thursday in spite of the snowstorm that closed virtually everything on Wed.  With that, I completed all the radiation I can have prior to the surgery. (I even got a certificate of merit for completing the radiation.) I will be left alone (no chemo nor radiation) between four to six weeks to regain my strength and heal the skin around the radiation site in order to surgically remove the primary tumor.  It is an act of tricky balance. I will be in better shape for the surgery if I wait longer.  On the other hand, the tumors in my lungs will be left to grow unchecked during the same time.  Hopefully, I will be in good enough shape for the surgery soon and it is imperative that there is no complication such as cold, flu, injury, or food poisoning during this time.  The plan is to have a two-week post surgery recovery before the chemo resumes. I will also have a CAT scan to find out if the chemo worked and provide vital information to the anesthesia doctors.  There are many necessary arrangements and conditions leading to a successful surgery. Please pray that they will all fall into places in a timely fashion.

The upside is that in a couple of weeks, I probably would feel close to normal again, no more that sick feeling, exhaustion, upset stomach, low blood count, etc.  It will be a long time before another big break like this will come again.  I am excited and compiling a long To Do list for this break. (It would be nice if I have a million hours set aside for this time. There are just too many things to do and too many words to be said.).

Last time, I shared how peace enables me to wait for the understanding of human and my sufferings and how faith enables me to continue the walk.  While I could have shared other things that I have been waiting for, I would like to deal with the first thing first, i.e., why do I believe in God’s existence?

Faith is a very personal thing and everybody believes/does not believe for his/her unique set of reasons.  While I did grow up in a church, I was an atheist until I was well into my adulthood and my journey was not a straightforward one. I was eventually drawn to God by the rude realization of how corrupted and cruel human being (including myself) could be, my faith thereafter has been repeatedly strengthened by the evidences abound around us, i.e., the beauty of life and the wonder of universe.  For the moment, I will skip the part how I was initially drawn to God and just concentrate on how my faith has been strengthened by the wonder of universe and life.

I am aware of the controversy around the subject.  When presented with the same set of facts, each individual finds the “support” for his/her theory and reaches different conclusions.

One thing the majority of both sides agree on is that an objective and ordered reality (the universe and life within) exists.  However, two sides have opposite ideas about where that came from.

Regarding the universe, about thirty parameters define the universe we see today. For example, if the strong nuclear force constant is too large, there would be no hydrogen which is essential for life.  On the other hand, if it is too small, there would be no heavier elements which are also essential for life.  The issue is then how sensitive the formation and sustaining of life would be to variations of these parameters.  Atheists argue that the sensitivity would be closed to zero and almost any combination of these parameters would create a universe for some life form to come naturally.  Creationists, on the other hand, argue that the sensitivities are high and these parameters must have been fine tuned by an intelligent designer. The truth of the matter is that this is the only universe known to us and there is no data available for either argument because we can’t toy with the parameters.

Personally, I am always awed by the wonders of the universe and find it is hard to believe all of them just came “naturally”. It wasn’t that long ago that we thought black holes are no more than a space-time singularity that gobbles up everything nearby while in fact they play a significant role in large-scale reshaping the landscape of the universe periodically. We also just realized that we have to include dark energy and dark matter to explain the accelerating expansion of the universe. 

Regarding life, atheists argue that in a vast enough universe, with enough time, matter will come together in many places to form life in spite of the long odds for that to happen by chance. It is like the odds for an individual to win any top prize of Lottery is very long, let alone two, but given a large population playing over a long period of time, somebody will win it twice (which has happened). 

On the other hand, creationists often refer to the calculation by e.g., Fred Hoyle, stating that odds against DNA assembling by chance are 10 to the 40,000th power to one (Hoyle, Evolution from Space ,1981). Does the universe have enough matter (population) and age (time) for life to form by chance? The universe has about 10 to the power of 80th of nucleons by one estimate, and has been in existence for no more than about 10 to the 18th power of seconds.  If one multiplies the population and time, one has 10 to the power of 98th. Roughly speaking, that means chance encounters have to happen 10 to the power of 39,900th times non-repeatedly every second to go through all the possible combination just once by now. The bottom line is that the universe is too “small” and young to produce a DNA by chance.

Furthermore, considering the fact that matter is mostly concentrated in stars where DNA formation is impossible or of no consequence, the odds of forming life by chance just get even longer. The fact that DNA has also to come into existence by chance in a hospital spot (such as earth) of the universe which is mostly hostile to carbon life form except for a few isolated island(s) to have any chance of developing into a life makes it further unlikely. Last but not the least, DNA is just a coding or a blue print and the odds for that coding to be realized into a life form by chance is another long one.  To address the issues, some atheists argue that laws of physics would facilitate the formation of DNA and therefore shorten the odds significantly. However, the supposed link about natural laws facilitating the formation of DNA is still absent.
This is a complicated subject and this is the best I can do given the time and space.  I just hope this will encourage some to look deeper so that you can decide for your self. 

I will just conclude with

Romans 1:20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health

Dear All,

After five weeks of radiation and four chemos, my body finally sustained enough beating to have a blood count so low that both chemo and radiation had to be suspended Friday.  It was a roller coaster ride.  The white blood cell count went from 2.03 to 3.29 in three days and then drastically down to 1.25 in the next three days.  I was advised to stay home to minimize the possibility of infection and will go back for another blood test Monday to see if the therapies can be resumed.  With only four radiation sessions left, this temporary set back shouldn’t delay the surgery significantly.  It also shows that the doctors have done a good job in pushing the therapies to the limit but not over the edge.

So, I got a break and am taking this opportunity to gain some weight back.  I do have to be extra careful to prevent infection. I accidentally bit my lower lip while having a good laugh over Friday’s dinner.  Normally, one can just rinse and leave the rest to ones body’s natural defense and healing functions.  In my case, the wound care became a big deal and something tedious because the wound constantly comes into contact with food. I am very thankful that no infection has developed from that so far.  I guess I just have to laugh more gently   .

Last week, I shared that with peace, the quite power gives me the freedom to choose, I will be able to WAIT. I will explain what I meant by that with one of the things I am waiting for, the meaning of human suffering.

I chose to talk about this first partially because, based on what has been said to me, it seems that my cancer has struck a few nerves and provoked quite a few to think about the meaning/purpose of human suffering.  Hence, I will share some of my limited understanding related to this subject.

Human suffering is painful and taxing on our emotions and other tangible and intangible aspects of our well-being. Hence, atheists and believers alike want to believe that there got to be some purpose and meaning to it. (By any measure, my personal suffering, as real as it is, is small compared to some of the worst such as the unspeakable sufferings in WWII.)  If someone believes that God is omni-potent and loving at the same time, it is an inevitable conclusion that there must be a purpose and meaning behind suffering. The alternative, i.e., an unloving God who couldn’t care less about our sufferings, is just unthinkable. (In the interest of time, I will leave out the possibility that God is loving but unable to help it.)  In fact, a purpose frequently makes people embrace sufferings.  It is not uncommon for people to willingly embrace suffering and even death because of a belief and an ideology. For some if not most, the belief that something positive comes out of ones suffering to ripple out in ever-widening circles along both temporal and spatial dimensions beyond the finite space-time domain one resides in brings great comfort and encouragement.

While believing in the existence of a purpose behind suffering is a great motivational force, rushing into some inaccurate human understanding of it is also where a pitfall may lie (as cautioned by a retired pastor friend of mine). There are three examples of this in the book of Job.  When Job was inflicted with losses of his loved ones, possessions, and health, his three friends came from a great distance to grief with him by sitting with him silently for seven days and nights.  This is an excellent example of how to grieve with someone as true friends. I wish they left Job alone after that. Well, they just had to say something to help Job understand the suffering. Unfortunately, what they said was dead wrong and that made God angry with them (Job 42:7).  From the Bible and my own personal experience over the years:

1. It seems that God holds some of the cards very close to HIS chest and HE is not obligated to show them to us.  In fact, I wonder how much we would understand even if HE does show them to us. (Try explaining the necessary pain of an immunization shot to a three-month-old baby.)  From human perspective, I doubt God would be a good communicator because HE remains mysterious more often than not.  (I am not sure I want to marry somebody like God who sometimes is in total silence as what Job experienced and the time between OT and NT.) However, as a teacher who frequently answers a question with momentary silence or half a dozen questions to make sure students really understand the material, I wonder this might be His way to make sure we really would gradually acquire His way of thinking.

2. God does not always answer our prayers and if HE does, I have to wonder maybe God has become a genie. God, in HIS sovereignty, decides if HE will answer, when HE will answer and what HIS answer will be.  Prayers mostly change me, not God.  Otherwise, how does one explain why somebody eventually dies against all the best wishes and diligent prayers?  After all, God is the boss.  (It seems that we sometimes make the mistake of saying what we want to hear to ourselves during praying.  For example, before the biopsy, quite a few told us not to worry because in their prayers they clearly heard that it is a benign one.)

3. Based on the above, the most important thing is Faith. Being a creature that can’t escape the space-time continuum, we are mostly creatures of faith, regardless of our religious belief.  It is like driving in the darkness with a headlight.  The beam only goes so far and we cruise at 70 miles/hr confidently without knowing what really lies beyond the beam. Without faith, we would be crawling at 5mph for the fear of the unknown. We just have to trust that God has a good plan for us in spite of the current circumstances.

I don’t know when I will learn the mystery of the meaning of human suffering and I hope it is not after this life. But I will wait in peace. For the moment, it suffices to know there must be a purpose and meaning; I have to be still, steadfast, and persevere; and it is a body given to me by HIM and, as a good steward, I will rid of the cancer to the best I can until I have to give it back (dead).

Post note: The rebound was even greater than the free fall.  The white cell count was more than 4 this morning and I am back on track with the frying and poisoning.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health.

After 4 weeks of radiation and 4 chemo infusions, the primary tumor has shrunk by about 2.5 cm. However, the latest MRI dose not show marked changes from the one before radiation and the report says the tumor is still touching the artery, which was the surgeon’s primary concern. The MRI images have been Fedexed to the surgeon who probably will have something to say next week. With 8 sessions of radiation left, a decision about where and when the surgery will be will have to be made. That will be largely decided by the willingness of the insurance company to pay for out-of-network operation or not.

The radiation site is showing some under the skin bleeding in hair follicles, and some skin trauma but nothing serious so long as I don’t allow any injury happen to it. Since the effect of radiation is exponential, more effect is still possible with the remaining 8 sessions. My energy level is good and was still able to teach without being totally exhausted. The platelet counts have been steady between 90 and 100 which is marginally OK. Did not loose any more weight this week with the help of two Ensures a day and I am really thankful for it. Slept extra well also. The bad news is that the white cell count continues its decline to 2,000 now and I will have to stay away from the crowd pretty soon if the trend continues. There is no significant hair loss yet.

It is amazing how resourceful you guys are in addition to the delicious dishes and soups from sisters and even a brother. When I mentioned the Honeymooners in one of my previous updates, one of the sisters brought me the whole set of 39 episodes which is even more complete than what I found from 6 local public libraries through inter-library loans. Below again is a sharing from my journal.

Freedom to choose empowered by HIS peace:

Last time, I shared the mystery of peace through praying. I do not have the understanding to solve the mystery (by its definition, the word mystery means something remains unexplained or unknown). I only know that I dwell and thrive in the mystery and am (gradually learning to be) empowered by it to have more and more freedom to choose my reactions to the circumstances.

Just like everybody else, I have little direct control over my circumstances. (The fact I can get this nasty cancer means almost anybody can get a cancer too. I do not smoke or drink. I exercised almost everyday, go to bed before 11 and almost always sleep well, eat healthy, and have little family history of cancer. I am not living and have not lived near a toxic dump either.) When the cancer struck, it is a tremendous shock with incredible amount of negative stress and tension. I am not immune from the normal human emotions of fear, anger, sadness, denial, self-pity, anxiety, etc. nor negative thoughts about impending physical and emotional torments, and financial implications, etc. Without peace, I would have reacted in the way I reacted in the first night (please see http://highspirit.blog.com/1487308/). I would have been driven by my instinct, feelings, thoughts and impulses. I probably would be in a poor mental and physical shape pretty soon after the diagnosis due to sleep deprivation and constant emotion swings. I might become bitter and even spiteful and then a burden of those around me.

With peace, I am able to wait, wait for HIM to make things happen, wait for HIS enlightening about what is the best actions under the circumstance, wait for spiritual discernment about how to act according to godly principles, wait for HIS instructions about how to turn this negative tension into a positive one, wait for the lessons of self-betterment, wait for the understanding of the meaning and purpose for this suffering. In other words, I am empowered internally to exercise my options and no longer controlled by my own instinct, impulses, feelings, emotions, and even thoughts. For example, instead of asking why me, I could ask our Lord: What are the better things you are giving me instead when you allow my health to be taken away? This is part of the hope with which I will be able to think, envision and work. Perhaps, this kind of the freedom is part of the reason why apostle Paul was able to live in the following way:

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—2 Cor. 4; 8-10

Again, we thank you for your diligent prayers and constant acts of love.

In HIM and may this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health