Understanding

Dear All,

By now the primary tumor has shrunk about 2 cm (circumference of my leg) after 3 weeks of radiation and 3 chemos. My energy level is good except for the hours after chemo injection. The observable collateral damage includes low white cell and platelet counts, loss of weight, and a somewhat upset digestive track.  Compared to the week before, white cell count continued its drop (from 3 plus to 2.7), the platelet count held its ground around 90, the weight loss (2lb) was half of what it was.  My radiation oncologist is keeping a close eye on the platelet count by ordering a blood test every other day. (Ouch! Yoiu engineers outthere should invent some non-intrusive way for the blood count.  It would be a great blessing to countless patients.)  My oncologist told me to hold the line on my weight by eating high-energy food such as milk shake and rich ice-creams. (I guess I will die happy, and might even speedy from a heart attack or stroke.)   It is interesting how different western and eastern medicines are on this particular point. Eastern medicine generally believes in getting most of the nutrients from low-sugar, non-animal and non-diary sources to restore the immune system and de-toxicify the body. However, it is something difficult to do under chemo due to an upset digestive track that can’t process large volume of low-energy plant based food.  I am still searching for that balance point and halving the weight loss is an indicator that I am on my way to the optimal. I have not lost much hair and I wish I could trade that with the blood counts.

I like to share what I experienced during the 24 hours after the diagnosis.

On that fateful day, as the doctor put up one film after another and pointed to the tumors on them, I moved my sight away from where he was pointing to the upper corners of the film to read the name and other ID information there to make sure these are my films. According to the films, I not only have cancer and it has spread.  It is the news that nobody wants to hear ever.  During the following biopsy, I could not help tears coming out the corners of my eyes.  I wish I had dark glasses with tear buckets behind the lens so that the tears would be invisible to the doctor, nurses and in particular my wife who was holding my hand.  I could only imagine what was going through her mind and I just did not want my emotions to add any burden to her.  The doctor had the biopsy samples carried over to the pathologist who confirmed the positive result in about an hour.

On our long drive home, we decided to tell the children after the dinner.  Got home around 5pm and acted normal as much as we could. Did not even cancel the violin lesson at 5:45.  However, kids are smart.  It is unusual for parents to stay in doctor’s office for such an extended time and together.  We held our line and deferred the questions.

Everyone sat down after the dinner clean up. We told the kids about the diagnosis, what it means and what’s the plan to the best we could.  Our younger son broke down said “Not in your forties.”  I said “I am not dead yet and we will fight this in the best way we know how.”  He then said, “If we need the money for treatments, I will go to your school to save the tuition.” I could not help my tears.  That was so sweet and I am so lucky to have a family that loves me so much.  My eyes still well up whenever I thought about that moment.  In shock, the older one did not say anything for a long while and finally asked, “Is there any family history of cancer?”

Afterward, our pastor came with his wife, daughter, and a couple we know well.  We read passages and prayed for healing, peace and strength. A remarkable thing was an elder from a north Jersey church who preached a couple of times in our church a few years back called and joined us in the middle of it.  I had never spoke to him over our home phone and he had never came over to our house before.  He was on a business trip in Albany and just felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit to call us.  Actually, when he called the first time, my wife politely told him that we were in the middle of something and I will call him back as soon as possible. He then called pastor’s house and cell phone to join us.

When the bottom falls out, it helps a lot to be surrounded by a crowd of loving people.  However, the night eventually came and one had to face it alone.  Passing time with a crowd is easy.  Having peace when one is alone is a different matter. On their way out, I asked the brothers and sisters to pray for us tonight because the real test is if we will have the peace to sleep well.  Real peace is not something one can borrow from the next person or fake. One is acutely aware of ones sleepless.  I have to say I failed the test that night. I was filled with emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, anxious, etc.  All together, I slept no more than three hours.  For all that time, I had the urge to wake up my wife so that I would not be alone.  When the morning finally came, I anxiously waited for the first sign of her awakening.  The first thing I told her was: I don’t like the night because it was too lonely. (I had never been afraid of being alone until now.)

I went to the office to make arrangements for the work cutout for me by this illness.  Informed the department head who was 100% supportive both actionwise and spiritwise. The rest of the morning was spent in planning for the immediate future of every aspect of our life and taking care of some urgent matters.  Time flew by when one is in an autopilot mode of taking care of logistics.

The sense of restless and helpless really hit me in the afternoon when I was alone at home after seeing my family off to a dental appointment.  I could keep on auto-piloting through the endless arrangements and planning but the need of praying just flew out of me and I could not help it. It is not so much I want simple answers to my whys, hows and whats.  I need to have that peace that I can’t find inside me. Without it, I couldn’t function real well, nor hope and dream. I keeled down next to my bed.  What I prayed was not as important as what I experienced. After about 10 minutes on my knees, the sense of tranquility, peace and comfort just filled me completely. The profoundness of it was something that I had never experienced before. It was not only emotional and spiritual but also physical.  The physical discomfort associated with the posture was gone and I stayed in that state and posture for the next half hour plus until I was interrupted by my family members who were looking for me after their return.  Although I still was not told if I would be healed in this world or next (this one preferred), I slept like a baby that night and had not had a sleepless night since then.

One might think it is a quantum leap that only needs to happen once for all.  What I found out is that time after time, peace is like a tank of gas that got used up as I went through my out-of-control schedule and suffered pains associated with medical procedures.  I had to go back and got filled up again and again. When the tank is low, it is like craving for dark chocolate except 1000 times stronger. At times, I even felt guilty about going into a prayer hoping for the repetition of the experience, just like a killer whale doing a jump for the reward afterward. I am not quite sure I like the idea that I have become a spiritual drug addict.

For people who are overwhelmed by the fast pace of modern life style, suffered emotional trauma at one time or the other, have some deep unmet needs, etc., such a peace maybe tantalizing and probably would be longed for.  However, I gradually realized that peace, as essential and precious as it is, is not only the ends but also a means.  I have learned that there is something beyond peace God wants me to have but it is something I can’t have unless I have HIS peace.  I will share that with you later.  For the moment, let me just repeat the title:

Peace is that quite power that reveals HIM and gives me the freedom to choose.

May this find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health

Dear All,

The first week of class went well and I was able to lecture for two hrs without being exhausted. The primary tumor has shrunk about 1.6cm after two weeks of radiation. However, as predicted by the doctors, the combination of chemo and radiation did negatively affect my blood count. Both white cell count and platelet count were below the normal range notably. Although I am not in any immediate danger of infection or uncontrollable bleeding, the numbers dashed my hope that I might be somewhat immune form the side-effects.

I did receive my chemo on Friday because the counts were not critically low and my dosage was a reduced one to enable the simultaneous radiation. The real test would be the blood counts next Friday. If either continues the fall, the chemo would have to be held back until the count comes back up by itself.

After the chemo on Friday, feeling sick and body ache hit around 4pm and I countered it by laughing a lot while watching the Honeymooners (an old comedy). The sick feeling was gone by about 9pm, much faster than the last time and probably had something to do with the laughter. In any case, laughter made it much easier to pass the time.

While I can tough out external things such as carrying out my duties and ignoring the feeling sick after the chemo to a degree, I can not affect my blood counts a bit with my will and the normal medical remedies for raising the counts have to be set aside because of the simultaneous radiation. I can however work on maintaining my weight by increasing intake. Preparing meals has become a challenge. My smell and taste are in disarray up to a few days after the chemo. It is difficult to predict whether I will like something until I put it in my month. I am thankful that my wife is very patient and keeps on trying new dishes. In addition, the delicious dishes from a couple of sisters were great treats.

Cancer is difficult to fight because it is an enemy from within. Cancer cells are normal cells that turn unruly. They have very smart mechanisms at the cell and molecular levels to trick our body immune system to leave them alone. In other words, they are camouflaged. Chemo is like carpet bombing that does not guarantee hitting the enemy but collateral damage is guaranteed in every run. The lack of a reliable tumor marker for the kind of cancer I have makes it even more difficult to assess the effectiveness of a chemo cocktail. Basically, I have to endure a chemo durg for a coupe of months at a time before one can find out if it is working at all.

Again, here is something from my journal

I thank Lord:

whenever I am giving up, HE will not let go;

whenever I am angry, HE will fill me the spirit of forgiveness;

whenever I am lost, HE will find me;

whenever I error, HE will show me the truth;

whenever I am weak, HE will strengthen me;

whenever I am afraid, HE will encourage me;

whenever I am anxious, HE will bring me peace;

whenever I am sad, HE will bring me joy;

whenever I am lonely, HE will be present;

whenever I am sick, HE will heal;

whenever I am over-burdened, HE will give me rest;

whenever I lost my heart, HE will give me faith;

whenever I see shadow of death, HE has triumphed over it;

whenever I feel the icy finger of death, HE will warm my heart with His unfailing love.

Dear beloved ones, brothers, sisters and friends,

I am very thankful for having the opportunity to worship in the church this morning and I pray that all of us will be able to worship with brothers and sisters without being hindered by either physical illness or spiritual bondage.

The first week of the battle was mostly skirmishes.  Started daily radiation on Monday, had an implant of chemo port on Tu, and got my first chemo on Wed.  Went home to wait for side effects to hit. (In comparison, it is a far better deal than what those soldiers over Iraq got.  Imagine having to anticipate a road side bomb to blow up in your face everytime you are out driving.)  Ate lunch normally.  Dinner was a struggle but ate it with sheer will power.  The nausea seemed to have a pattern.  On Tr and Sat., it was fine until mid-afternoon and then needed nausea medication to eat dinner normally. (The pill makes the dinner enjoyable.  Will power does not. Here is my excuse for taking the easy way out.)  This is a good example about how real our feelings can be at times.  I have all the reasons I need to eat the meal to get the nutrition my body badly in need of and most people who know me will say that I am highly rational. But I still could not just shuffle the food down as if my mouth is just an opening to my digest track.  The nausea feeling is too strong to ignore.  My dear brothers, use this example to recognize how significant a role our feelings play next time you think your beloved wife is acting irrationally. Her feelings are as real as your logics and reasons.  Seek to understand her first instead of trying to talk your senses into her. (I made this mistake too many times. But you don’t have to.)

The real remarkable thing is the outpouring of love and support we have experienced since the diagnosis. As much as I don’t deserve HIS salvation and love, I don’t deserve your love either.  But HIS love has flown abundantly through you to overflow our lives and meet our needs.  In addition to brothers and sisters of our church and her former members, brothers and sisters from our former church back in our home country, the nuns and co-workers where Ling volunteers, Ling’s tutor and her church, my brother and my sister-in-law’s family and church, my colleagues, my former student and his parents, our friends, our parents and extended family members, etc. have all given us much and beyond what we could have imagined. We have so much food, useful information and knowhows, supplements, spiritual books, music, VCDs, and DVDs that will enable us to dig in for the long haul. There are also prayer chains of various churches praying for us. I don’t know how to thank you except fighting the battle in the most godly way He has empowered me.

Again, I like to share something from my journal.

I pray that :

every time I kneel down, our Lord Christ will replace the callus of my heart with the ones on my knees.

every time I wake up in the middle of the night, HE will use those waking moments to awaken my spirit.

there is an inner room within where I can always meet HIM in spite of the physical and emotional torments.

our Lord will enlighten me His ways to witness for HIM in this trial.

our Lord will grant me the wisdom and strength to always choose His way regardless.

in HIM and may this email find you and your loved ones in good spirit and health

Dear beloved ones, brothers, sisters and friends,

Thank for all the prayers that have been coming our way.  There were 25 messages on our answering machine when we returned from NYC Tuesday around mid-night and there would probably be more if some of you did not refrain from calling.  I wanted to give you an update earlier but it has been just too busy.

It is a week filled with rapid developments made possible by His abundant graces.  Everyday, new appointments are made at dazzling rate and each day we spent between half a day to all day in the hospitals.  Got stuck countless times, two CT scans with contrast (more needles), numerous X-rays, and even tattoos for radiation.  The weekend takes a whole new meaning now.  Before, it was a relief from work. Now I am just thankful that I got a two-day break from needles.

To make the long story short, a treatment plan devised by the two doctors over Sloan-Kettering is now in place and it will be implemented by two doctors here.  I have a local problem, the tumor on my leg which needs surgery and a systematic problem (the cancer has spread) which needs chemotherapy.  Since the tumor has grown to encase an artery, radiation is needed to shrink the tumor prior to the surgery. Hence I will need simultaneous chemotherapy and radiation.  Because both have the side effect of reducing blood count, chemotherapy will be scaled back to give priority to the tumor removal first.  The hope is that the tumor will be shrinked fast to allow a surgery soon.  Then chemotherapy can be done with full force. The daily radiation will start next Monday and the weekly chemotherapy will start next Wed. There will be a surgery to implant a port for the chemotherapy next Tu afternoon.

Among many graces, I like to name one that we are particularly thankful. We were approved for seeing an oncologist at Sloan-Ketteringa for 2nd opinion. When he saw me, he suggested that I should see a surgical specialist so that a team decision can be made about how to balance b/w the removal of the tumor and the systematic problem. However, when the Sloan-Kettering patient finance dept. called the insurance company, it was eventually rejected and the bill was $5,000.  We could only pray and I remembered there was this case coordinator at Sloan-Kettering who was very caring and helpful and sounded very competent in the only phone conversation I had with her.  I called her to left a message on her machine.  She got back a while later and got on it immediately.  For the next two hrs, all we could do was praying in the waiting room of the registration.  Finally, it was all clear at 4pm not only for seeing the surgeon but also all the tests she wants.  We got all the tests and finally saw her at 7pm (that is two hrs after the closing).  Without this, there would not be a treatment plan and the treatments lined up for the next week.

Please pray that:
Friday’s CT scan won’t show any spread beyond the lungs.
The Tuesday surgery for port implant will go well w/o complications.
I will respond to the radiation and chemotherapy in a positive way.
I will be able to tolerate the treatments.
My family will have the peace, energy and strength to fight the battle on my side.
The church will experience His presence and be filled with His Spirit.
The insurance company will be agreeable for all the necessary visits and treatments.

In this eve of battle, I like to share with you something I wrote in my journal the other day. Please remind me about it when I am weak and thinking about giving up.

I have a Spirit which you (cancer) don’t have.
I have a will which you don’t have.
I have a living God which you don’t have.
I have rich love from God and my brothers and sisters which you don’t have.
I have the prayers of the Holy Spirit and my brothers and sisters which you don’t have.
God passes blessings through me while you bring destructions.
You might be able to kill my physical body, but I have triumphed already by ministering and receiving His Love/Truth to/from others b/c love never ceases.
I am going to fight you by witnessing with my tongue and actions His truth, power, love, and peace.
I refuse to be frightened, silenced and depressed b/c it is like fighting with barbarians.  I might be pushed into a dark-age temporarily but I know I will come out of it with our Lord, Christ.

One terrible thing about this disease is the isolation. There will be time that I will have to stay away from the crowd including church when my white cell count goes low.  I have to avoid children because they carry more germs.  Unannounced visits might be harmful at times.  On the other hand, phone calls are welcome.  Inevitably, there will be times when we might be too busy to answer.